Rippy's Fic
by Assassin Ninja Spy
Summary: Complete shenanigans, read only if you're looking for lolz - I do not ship this, but the story of why this monstrosity is here is inside. I'm expecting flames because it really is horrid, but, honestly, I don't care XD


I don't even... Do not, DO NOT, take this seriously, it may be written in a serious manner, but this ship really should never have existed. I know it's awkward, I know it's impossible and I know it's disgusting, but I told a friend that almost any ship they could think of existed _somewhere_ on the internet, and this one did not. Easily remedied - written in about 3 hours, only because I couldn't focus on it. There will be a sister fic eventually which will be lolzy and linked here. Um, has some inside jokes but nothing too serious. Enjoy, if you possibly can .

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**Rippy's Fic**

Schäfer is out of places to run; he's gone from one end of the village to the other with Pema at his side. The girl, bless her, has been unflinchingly brave. Karl kneels to her height; he looks her in the eyes as he easily speaks Tibetan,

"Pema, I need you to hide, alright?" Her big, brown eyes stare up at him in defiance – he returns the look with an open plea for cooperation. The little girl gives in the silent war of wills with teary eyes.

"What will happen to you?" Karl rubs his pendant absentmindedly, trying to keep a straight face while his hearts races in his chest.

"I don't know child. But you will be safe – if you hide now," she takes his answer with a nod and scurries off as a group of mercenaries breaks down the door. Schäfer rises, keeping his eyes straight forward and hoping desperately that the men don't find Pema.

"You, old man – you're coming with us," Lazarevich jerks his head towards Flynn. "You're in charge of him," Harry walks forward and grabs Shäfer by the arm.  
"Come on then, we haven't got all day," the British man shoves the old man ahead of him roughly. The group moves through the burning village towards a convey of trucks. Schäfer stops for a moment, jaw slack in horror. The village, his home, these innocent people – the houses crumble under the heat of flames that lick hungrily at the stones.

Flynn's hand forces him to move,

"C'mon mate, into the truck," Schäfer climbs in the orange, army truck in a horrified daze. Flynn climbs in beside him and takes the wheel.

"Why?" Schäfer's voice is shaky in the tense air of the truck. Harry raises an eyebrow. "Why attack the villagers? Kill the men and children? Burn their houses, kill their cattle – why not just find and take me?" Flynn gives a shrug of his shoulders,

"I'm not in charge of the mercenaries, and Lazarević is a strange man."

"A monster, you mean he's a monster," the German accent in his voice only serves to make his tone colder and sharper. Flynn simply shrugs once more, noting Drake and Elena gaining in the rear view; he figured they'd be along eventually and that it was only a matter of time.

"Doesn't make a difference to me, mate."

"And you? What is your take on this? No regret, no remorse, is that it? Just take what you want and leave the rest?" Flynn can feel the old man's gaze on his face. He glances over to see smoldering coals in a hard face.

"I don't get a choice in all this, alright? I signed on to this little expedition thinking it a quick way to make a few bucks and I was wrong. If I leave now he'll hunt me down," Flynn keeps his eyes firmly ahead as he speaks, unable to meet Schäfer's eyes.

"Your life is more valuable then all those lost because of him?" Flynn's mouth gapes open for a moment, a wave of words on the tip of his tongue, before shutting it, deciding against an argument.

His eyes flick to the rearview mirror to see Drake and Elena's truck pulling up behind them, before being shot off the road. Schäfer sees it as well, but says nothing only fixing Flynn with a dark look. The rest of the journey was spent in tense silence.

The monastery comes into view and Schäfer's eyes widen. As Flynn opens the door to get out, Karl reaches over and grabs his arm.

"You must not let Lazarević reach the Cintamani Stone, the power he would have, the things he could do- would do, you cannot begin to imagine the pain he would cause," the old man's eyes are pleading. Flynn pulls away, not meeting their gaze.

"I can't stop him."

Lazarević accompanies the pair through the monestary along with a handful of mercenaries. Every door they go through is locked up behind them and heavily guarded – Schäfer wonders what they're worried about. As they pass through another heavy door, Flynn leans in,

"There are whispers among the men of a… being dressed all in blue. A force of nature that no army can stand against, no man can kill. They say it is here, waiting for something.," something about the Brit's voice, the tint of fear, makes Schäfer's hair stand on end.

The procession continues until they come to a great tower. Lazarević pushes Schäfer up a pair of rotten stairs and through a doorway into a small, dark room. Lazarević posts his men all around the room before closing the door behind him, locking Schäfer, Flynn and himself in the small room.

"Now, old man," Lazarević begins to pace as he talks, "you are going to tell us where to find Shambala or life is going to be very painful for you," his voice contains only the hint of a razor's edge to it. Schäfer looks him in the eye,

"I will not tell you anything. Men of your kind need nothing but a cell and a wary guard," Lazarević makes several quick steps towards the old man, intending to interrogate him further but Flynn steps in the way. Lazarević stares down at the British man, face impassive but eyes alight with cold fury.

"Hey now, Zoran, an old man like this? If you rough him up his heart might go and then where will we be? Perhaps we should find a different method…?" The warlord takes a step back, face thoughtful.

"You wish to protect him, to betray me. I thought your usefulness would extend further, but I was wrong," Lazarević pulls his shotgun from his back, "I have no more use for a fool," Flynn's hands are up, fear striking him still.

A gunshot sounds from outside the door, followed by several more. There are shouts, cut short with sickening sounds of bullets meeting flesh. It falls quiet, the only sound breaking the mountain air is the unmistakable beeping of a grenade. The trio inside the room backs away from the door. Flynn and Schäfer cover their faces as the wooden door explodes inward. Splinters fly through the air and litter the floor. As the dust settles, a form can be made out – slim, but filled out with thick armour.

Lazarević walks forward, shotgun still drawn, but the figure moves in a flash. Her foot lashes out and the warlord is shot back from the force of impact. The newcomer moves out of the dust and smoke to reveal a mercenary dressed entirely in blue armour. The remove the face scarf from their head so that all can see the strikingly beautiful face, painted in blue war paint.

Lazarević raises up from where he feel,

"Who…?" The woman looks at him with defiant eyes,

"My name is Rippy but I am known as the Battle Smurf and I am sworn to protect bad ships," she narrows her eyes, "you were about to kill one of these men, thus killing this ship. I can't allow that," for the first time in his life, Lazarević knows fear. He opens his mouth to protest but before he can get out a single word, Rippy has drawn her pistol and shot him twice in the head.

Holstering the gun, she turns to the shocked pair left in the room. Walking towards Flynn, she puts a hand on his shoulder,

"I am sorry that someone decided to ship this, truly, I am – I wish you well," she turns towards Schäfer, "Tenzin has begun the plans to rebuild the village. Now, more than ever, the people there need you. I suggest you leave now well the path I created is still open," with no more said, she disappears from the room, as if she had never been there.

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So there that is, I'll post another chapter that only has a link that will be the horrid sister fic - the prequel to the Battle Smurf. I hope that something in there made you laugh and I really - REALLY - do not need feedback on this, so don't feel obligated to leave a review.


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